My back hurt this morning. Between a comfortable but non supportive mattress and being hunched over my iPad while tossing Theo's blue ball for him, when I tried to get up I was kind of hunched so, my lower back aching. So I went into a modified cobra for a few minutes.

While in that pose my mind started calibrating my years "out" and then added my years "in" the first time - all the way up until now. 1992-2014. I went out sometime in late 2003 - sometime during my move to Miami that October. I started counting on my fingers while in the pose. One, two, three.... Nine years out. Add to that almost 11 "in". Twenty years - not counting being "in" again for almost two now. Add those two and we are talking about 22 years!

I started getting pretty down while holding the pose - sensing the loss of time. And then! Just like that... a new thought came in to replace all that. All that time, all that time of my life is what it took to find Torah. I mean to really find Torah. How can I bemoan any millisecond of my life that has led to the morning I've had today.

What I also got is he's been trying to get my attention ALL MY LIFE.  Two years ago, in a fit of anger, I scream at him to take me - take all of me. Clearly, I yelled, you want me all for yourself.

What I understand now, is he wants me for himself, first of all. Just first of all...

Here I am.

I feel alive and awake.

Blissed-out over Torah.

It is all coming together.